Personal Entries #2

I don't know why I had to ask... but I had the urge to. I even forced out details. I don't know why I did that either. I want to know another point of view, so I'm waiting. I don't have the guts to talk about it with the person because I might come out as irrational. I'm trying my best to avoid that but why is my mind not at ease? Why is it searching for more questions and answers?

I don't know what to think of it. I'm being told not to worry... how could I not worry? What kind of person would I be if I demanded someone to do something for my sake? That's just... selfish and rude... I don't want to cross that line but what am I feeling? This is when I need my close female friends. They can explain to me what is going on in my brain. Is this my emotional state coming out? Why do I feel so insecure about it? WHY DO I FEEL SO INSECURE? I can't stop it. I really can't. I don't want to because a part of me knows how much they mean to each other but I guess that's where you learn to suck in the pain because you have to respect what they had. I tell myself that it's jealously... of course it is... I'm not entirely jealous but I guess there are times when I have to be right? I can't be so loose and open about everything because there are limits into everything. I'm sure this is jealously... not entirely but I'm sure it is part of it. I just don't have the guts or heart to say anything because I'm afraid... I'm afraid.... at the end of the day, I am afraid. I have a habit of wanting to know the truth... and I just don't know where I stand in this anymore. Why am I feeling this pain? Why am I feeling insecure? Why do I feel like I have to work extra hard on this...? Why did all that happen? WHY? Is this a sign? Is this something I SHOULD think about? because... I have my reasons which I will not dare state here because it's the internet and yeah, I want a little more privacy (even if I know other people besides don't read my blog).

I feel like I'm standing between something great. I feel like I'm just a temp... When do you draw the line between things? When do you know when to stop? Why am I in so much confusion and pain? This is something I need to understand... but I don't have the guts to talk about it with others. I'm a coward when it comes to this but I still don't know why I torture myself with the truth and details.