Personal Entries #6

This entry doesn't really mean anything. I'm just letting out some thoughts that are in my head but it's nothing that's eating me up. I just want to...let it out... lol

1. I know I can't compete against a 6yr relationship. I don't think anyone can. I know he holds a special place in your heart which I'm learning to respect. I honestly have nothing against it but I guess I have a huge shoe to fill. Even if you tell me that you love me and it ended, i know that a first love never dies. Especially if you were with your first love for 6 years... I guess I do have a certain level of insecurity but could I help it? There is a slight pressure on my end. Sometimes, I go through your wall and he posts a lot of stuff there and I'm sure you post on his wall too and you have a lot of things to share with each other... compared to you and I. I don't know you that well and yeah, we have many more years to figure that out but i guess a part of me wants to be that close to you. To know you that well and to have that chance of sharing things with you that's only between you and I. I do get jealous because you probably post more on his wall and it's such pressure for me to post on your wall because you have so many friends and I don't know if you're okay with me bombarding your facebook wall with loser messages from me. It's not like I can actually say "hey! remember this!" lol but it's okay, I understand that you still love him because he did give you so much in 6 years. I just... wish i had that much memories and conversations with you. I wish that we had more stories and stuff together. We'll get there I know... but at this point, a little jealously takes place. He gets to see you often and I don't. He gets to hug you and I don't. I even get jealous when carms and dans get to see you and I don't. but it's okay, it doesn't exactly take over my mind you know? I'm happy that you're close to my friends. I feel a lot closer to you through them. They get to tell me stories about you and what you guys did which makes me really happy. 


2. I wish I knew what I was facing. I wish I knew my time frame more. I'm so pressured with time and life that sometimes, I just want to sit back and relax but if i do, will i regret sooner or later? I feel like I'm not done yet. I feel like I have so much more to do but the more I think about it... the more my list shortens. I've been trying my best to do my part but sometimes, the facts hit me and I feel like it's just not enough. My life is so damn fucking complicated but what can I do right? Make the most of it, Reece. That's what you can do. When they say life is too short... it really is. It really fucking is. I wish it wasn't. I wish my life was longer. I have so much more to do... not yet. NOT YET.