Personal Entries #7

I can't help it. There are days I feel this way. 

Today is one of those days. 

I've gone through so much hardship and yes, i've fought it numerous times but there are days when I just feel like I'm already dead. It's like I have nothing in front of me and my feelings are so numb because of the constant and painful shit life throws at me. I've always begged for a certain kind of break from this. Even if it's just for a few hours. A few hours where I don't feel like I failure and I can make a change within myself...more.  It's not enough. I know because the things that happen in my mind are so damn fucked up. I feel like a psychopath... I actually do... it's so hard to talk about it because I feel like no one will understand. The therapists and psychologists make me feel like this is just who I am. This isn't me. This can't be.

All these things that I hide, I hide them for a reason and sometimes, this is why I prefer to lock myself up more often because I'm scared. I'm scared of what I could do. I just don't know it yet. I had a preview of what I'm capable of doing (last year) and until today that haunts me. It haunts me so much because the scars exist. They are reminders that I cannot go back but at the same time, they are proof of what I did. I want to believe there is more for me. I want to see it happen...

I don't know what is in store for me anymore. Every person deserves to have a life. A life where they grow up, go to good schools, get a job, get married, have children, grow old, and die. For me, it's fight to stay alive because I could die. I want a life. I want that life I dream about. I want to go to the best writing school in the world. I want to become a writer or a journalist. I want to get married. I want to have kids. I want to grow old. Then die.... I feel like I'm running out of time. I feel like whenever my doctors talk to me, I'm just not getting any better. They tell me slowly but what if taking things slowly gives me less time? What if they're wrong? What if my plans are right?

I have so much more in me... if only people knew. There's so much more....  but these traumatic experiences just don't fucking help. I want them to go away. I WANT THEM TO FUCKING GO AWAY. GO AWAY... It's getting so fucking DIFFICULT to smile when people joke around. It's so hard to get up in the morning. It's so hard to fall asleep. It's so hard to breathe.

I'm becoming desperate. I don't even know how to show people my feelings anymore.

There's a song that I can relate to when it comes to this situation. It's Waiting for the End by Linkin Park. Why? because I am waiting for the end to happen and i'm racing through time trying to make it worth it.... but at the same time, I know it's not the end.

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go
This is really not what I planned and it really is out of my control. I can't control my heart anymore. I can't control some of the things I do to myself. All the secrets... all those actions I don't show others because I know it's not right but I still do it. I can't control some thoughts that enter my head. I can't control the medicines that are given to me. I can't control this anymore. At some point, it's too late for my health.

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
I know what I have to do to move on. I have it all planned out but things happen and plans change. Fighting for my life is all about that. It's not always a win-win situation anymore. It's trial and error, and trust me, that is one of the hardest bullshit anyone can go through. especially when it involves health. I do want to trade this life for something new. You don't know how much I fucking want that. There are times when it's so damn exhausting and you just want to end all this bullshit...

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn't so
I try to forget the past but I know that's not always the case. I have to remember my past to know what to do in the present but the things that haunt me... it eats me up. It eats me alive. My mind enters a state of turmoil and things happen... things that I don't want to happen...it happens... 

What was left when that fire was gone
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And I don't even know what kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So I'm picking up the pieces, now where to begin
The hardest part of ending is starting again

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady something empty's within them
We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it, forget it let it all disappear