Personal Entries #9

I did some soul searching today.
I stopped myself from living the fast lane and I actually, just sat myself down and thought about many things. I haven't done this in a long time so, today I decided to do it. It helped me a lot and it calmed my mind and heart.

There are so many things that are unclear about my life but I've already given up on trying to explain to myself that things will be just fine. Things will never be okay. If it's not this, it's another thing. I've accepted that this is my life and I just hope I don't commit horrible mistakes anymore. I've done too much of that in the past and I know it's time to stop. I also understand that not a lot of people understand me (or my friends) and that is because we are different. We live in a world that people don't understand because they aren't exposed to this. From the way we think and our lifestyle. I understand that I have to be more patient with everyone else and in time I will be able to prove what I'm worth. I've been waiting for quite some time now but I know I will get there. I have faith in myself and I refuse to let that part of me go. 

I was supposed to have a date with mom today but I cancelled on her because I wanted to do my soul searching. I felt like that was more important for me at the moment. I lost myself a little yesterday so, I needed to get back on track.

Right now, I have a bad feeling in my stomach and I don't like it. I don't know where it's coming from but I feel gross. I feel something is happening or something bad is about to happen but I don't know what it is. This is when things frustrate me most and I can't breathe because of it. I'm so nervous because I'm wishing I knew...

I'm going to do something for myself because I feel like I'm feeling lost again. I feel like things aren't going as planned and I'm getting to caught up with my surroundings. I'm forgetting my life and my 'stand' which is really bad for me. I need that in my life so I don't lose myself. I really feel like I'm losing myself because so many things are happening again at the same time and i'm feeling all these negative feelings inside. It's just bad for me. I decided that I'm going to stay away from the world for a bit. I really need my own time. I'm only going to speak to a few people everyday or every other day or whenever I need to talk to them. I don't feel safe around people right now. I need to find my strength again because it's needed right now. Maybe that's why I've been so hot-headed with Jaya and my brothers. I get mad so easily and I promised myself I would control this. I'm losing that control right now and that is absolutely dangerous. I hope people will understand what I'm about to do. I need a get away. I'm figuring things out again now. I need to do this for myself before something goes terribly wrong.