For you.

Dear J,
I'm feeling lonely and distant. I'm not used to not being able to text you or call you whenever I want. I already feel you slipping away from me. It's an exaggeration, but it's there. Very strong in me. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to feel. I feel everything taking over me and can I do this? Can I be here? Will I survive this? I'm already here in New York... trying my best to slowly get to you, but I feel like it's still not enough. I know it's not enough.... I already feel the guilt and weight of everything and I can't lose you too. I can't be away from my life in Paris (my normal day to day stuff + friends + family) then feel so far away from you... Could you please work with me here? Could you help me out? I really can't do this by myself. I really know I can't.... I know I promised to be less of a burden, and I swear to God I'm trying. 
I know I love you, but I'm just scared that you only think you love me... I'm not placing any blame on you. I understand your confusion and your hesitation.... that's why I'm scared. I'm scared that one day you'll wake up and really tell yourself you don't want this. You'll tell me that I'm too much of a hassle. Sometimes, I feel like I deserve it and this is when I question why I'm still alive. Why am I even doing this? Sometimes, I feel like I'm the biggest problem in the world. Then I get into relationships thinking that this is it... but it never is. They walk away all the time and I'm left with a heartache I need to fight. Fuck jaya... I don't know what to do anymore but I'm trying as hard as I can to be patient with myself and with others.
I don't want you to love anybody else but me. I want you to want me and me only. I want you to know why you love me and why you're fighting for this. I want you to feel me. I want you to be the only girl I look forward to talking to and seeing. I want you to know that I really want this. I already believe I'm doing myself a favor by moving here and learning how to grow up. I'm learning how to fight my insecurities of being alone. I'm fighting the urge to be only be dependent on my loved ones. I moved to New York because that's part of what I know I need to do for myself. Now, I'm here. It's only a few more steps until I get to you. I need to do this right, but, fuck... I don't want you loving anyone else but me. I don't want you wanting anyone else but me. I'm pretty sure you'd get hurt if you felt like I still wanted an ex or some other girl. You know I don't. You know I'm very loyal to you despite the shit we go through. Please... don't break my heart that way. I'm begging you.... Please don't. Not that way.
I love you. so fucking much. We always "argue" about who loves who more.... and i stick by my answer... I know I love you more because I keep fighting for this. I don't give up. I don't want to give up because I feel like whatever we're going through is worth it. I'm not being optimistic... I'm being realistic. I already made my way to New York and I finally got on a plane. I finally have my own place. I'm going to figure out my life here. I'm already so fucking close to getting to you... If only you can see it the way I do. If you already do... then please, hold on. Fuck... hold on. Just a few more steps and we'll finally be together. No more turning back. I'll be in front of you and you'll be in front of me and we'll both fall in love all over again because I know what I can do. I know the kind of love I can give and I want you to have it. I want you to have all of it. I know you said you don't want to belong to anyone because it freaks you out... I really don't think that's the truth jaya. Maybe a part of you feels that way, but what's the real story? Because we are dating. I like where we are and yes, sometimes, it does it hit me but what's the use of complaining and mourning? We act like a couple. We talk like one. We're comfortable with each other. We fight but who doesn't. I get jealous, well, that's obvious why. So, I don't see the point of crying over something that's already there. We just need time. I understand it to that extent.

I love you. If I was lying then why am I fighting this hard? Do I not seem genuine to you? Do you think I'm playing you? I'm not.